Rainy Days and Horror Films

There are few things I like more than impromptu hangouts with old friends. Especially when they involve halloween and horror movies on rainy days under cozy blankets. There is something very calming to me about just existing together even if we’re not talking much. Even better if they’ll subconsciously play with my- admittidly tagled- hair. 

I’m big on connection. For example, one of the best days of my life was spent disgustingly sweaty and dirty and on the concrete floor of a school gym in the middle of the Amazon rainforest with a class of 5/6 year olds who didn’t speak a word of english. At first they were shy and didnt know what to do, but as we stuck it out and continued to try it got easier and easier until eventually we were rolling around playing hand games and laughing together. I am saddened by the fact that I will most likely never meet these kids again. But I know that for one day in May they touched my heart in a why that is irreversable. 

These students that me and a handfull of others played with have so little that the entire reason we were there was to start the process of garunteeing them clean water. And yet they were exponentially happier than I was. And from that I learened what I think might be the most important lesson of my life: that happiness is not a product of having but a product of acceptance. And not acceptance in the terms of lying down and letting whatever happens happen, but in the sense that we choose. We always choose our happiness. Even speaking from a place of having been treated for clinical depression, we choose. 

I know that where I live and in many places around the world that is such a foreign concept that it seems untrue. And I’m not trying to preach to anyone. But I promise you, if you open your heart to something that seems too much, or too painful, yes it may hurt, but i promise you you will be better for it. Going to Ecuador was one of the hardest things I have ever done in terms of how it grew me. But I will forever be indebted to the people who I met in Los Rios and the surrounding communities.

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On a More Personal Note

So you guys saw the posts about my life burning to the ground blah blah blah… So I’m a little over dramatic. I’m 15 for God’s sake. But what happened was this.

I get really, really bad sometimes, and get suicidal. So I made the mistake that one night when I got really bad I started talking to this kid that is now my best and closest friend about it. (We now talk about literally everything.) I almost tried to die that night. But he told another girl who is also my best friend and they saved my life. But then the weekend ended and Monday came.

I was in English class when I got called down to the guidance office. I knew that they had found out, and I had a complete panic attack. I couldn’t breathe.

My mom came and got me, which made it worse because for four hours straight she tried to make me talk when all I could do was cry.

I am honestly a wreck.

  • Anxiety
  • EDNOS
  • Depression
  • Self Harm
  • Suicidal
  • Insomniac

And then all the kidney shit. What a wonderful creature I am, right.

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The Roller Coaster

Hey all, I know, I know it’s been months, but I’ve been busy! I think it’s justified

Anyway, the thing that I think needs to be talked about is the way girls are thinking about their bodies. As a sufferer of EDNOS, I know how important this is.

So the images come out of super skinny, super toned girls in skimpy clothes and ten tons of makeup. Everyone knows how this one ends. Anorexia. So why the hell isn’t anyone doing anything about it?

And then there are the people who think that they are by saying “I like curvy girls better”

??

???????????

?

You think that that is going to help a girl’s body image? That’s worse than the skinny girl ads, because that is literally making someone feel like their body type isn’t good enough. Anyone can reach the point of unhealthy where they are skinny and they are dying, but girls can not change how big their boobs are or their hips are. It is impossible, because guys prefer the ‘natural look’ of real boobs and asses.

And it’s not just guys. Girls do it too. And it needs to stop. All this needs to stop. I might not even have an eating disorder if someone just told me that I wasn’t too fat or didn’t have the right amount of this or that. I am living every day thinking about how fat I look at every second of the day. Don’t like what I’m saying? Live like that for a day. I’m sure you’ll change your mind.

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Scream A Little Louder

It’s been three entire days and I still feel like i’m screaming without making a single sound, only this time it condensed into words that i typed out and hit send.
You promised me that you would always be there and then you burn my life down and run. This has got to be a joke.
One tip to anyone out there reading: if you’ve told a girl that you’ll always be there for her and she tells you not to speak to her again, fucking fight for her, tooth and nail.
That’s all I’ve got tonight.

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Update

I know, I know, I haven’t posted in exactly forever. I’ve been… “Busy”.
Truth is I am deeply screwed up. And they’ve all found out. The big secret. The scary truth.
I have been dealing with a lot of shit in my life, and it’s been biting my ass for a long time. Too long.
But here’s the problem: I’m not the type to talk it out. Not with anyone. And that’s all they want to do. So, there you go, the story of a teenager, burning to the ground.

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Day 86: What is the Difference between Living and Existing?

This is a question that I am very, very involved in, because I think that it matters. So here is my opinion on what the difference is.

Existing: You simply do as you are told, and you follow what you believe to be your predetermined path. You don’t take risks, you don’t co insane sometimes and laugh until your stomach hurts. You simply continue to breathe, without experiencing everything that can be accompanied with the amazing feeling of air in your lungs.

Living: You break rules and you burn your own trail through life. You do what you think is right, not what you’re told. You make a difference, if only in a very small way. You have a life, you do what you love, you are constantly in awe of life, and you just live. You take risks and you make bad decisions but after you laugh about it, because you had fun. That’s what living is. It’s the nights and the days and how much fun you had during all of yours. And you don’t just have a pre-set number of days to live. There ore very old people who still live. It’s about making trouble and doing everything with a twist, to make it more interesting. It’s the music and the dancing and the people and the lyrics and what they mean to you. And if you really do life well, then sometimes it’s going to suck, and you’re going to have to deal with it, but you will know you lived because when you reach those pearly gates or whatever comes after, you squeeze in sideways, laughing about what a great time it was. You make your own life, and you don’t live by anybody’s standards. You live as if you have no regrets, and in the end, you don’t, because you did everything that you wanted to do exactly how you wanted to do it. You are alive when you talk to someone that you really don’t like and you have that small half smile on your face. You’re alive when you’re screaming every lyric of every song that you know. You’re alive when you turn the music up all the way and you dance in your underwear.

You aren’t alive sitting behind your compute screen all day. You’re only existing. Please, for me, go out there and live. I swear to god it will be worth it. Go out there and fight for what you believe in. You don’t have to be some big piece in the puzzle that solves all the problems, you just have to get the message out there. You just have to be part of something bigger. There is always something much bigger than ourselves going on, and realising it and joining that is what living is. It’s being breathless and just letting go and having the time of your life. That’s the difference between living and existing.

I’m 14 and already I don’t post very much because I refuse to only exist. Please, don’t spend your precious hours absorbed in whatever is happening in the immediate area around you. Life goes by so fast. You’ve got to grab it and hold on tight, because it won’t stop for anybody, and man, it’s a wild ride.

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Where the Magic Happens

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Okay I understand I rarely ever post but I do write quite a lot and I thought “why not post a picture of my work area?” Well here it is. And I just cleaned it. I am not a very neat person, as you can see. Usually there are also a lot of other things on my bulleton board but I just finnished a book and I took everything that I needed for that story off. Oh, and the paint chips are just because I’m trying to decide wheather or not to paint my room. Any suggestions?
So, yeah. Any of my art gets done in another room. I guess that’s all. Ta-DA

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